It is exhausting having to hide. I have to hide the pain in my heart and my head where I am constantly thinking about how I will never measure up. Measure up to what you might ask. Measuring up to the expectations. The expectations of doing great things, of having a purpose, of accepting you are worth the life you have.
I don’t mean this to sound terrible, but it might. I know that one thing everyone wants to say after something awful has happened, like someone deciding this life is not worth the struggle, is to say to those who might be struggling ‘to reach out to someone; ask for help.’ It is not that simple. I sincerely wish it were. There is a stigma attached to this, labels, worries, anxieties…
Once upon a time, I decided to share with someone that things seemed off, that maybe is wasn’t completely right for me to feel that way. I chose someone I thought would care and would be able to maybe steer me in the right direction. The entire thing backfired in my face. Now everyone looked at me differently, treated me differently, as if I was not the same person I had been the past few years they knew me. I felt watched, trapped, and even more alone. I was once told to make a list of positive things when I was feeling low. Examples of things I came up with: I am positive I will fail this test, I am positive they all hate me and with good reason, I am positive I am nothing. I never turned in these lists or discussed these things with anyone, except one and that turned in to something else, something worse, but that is not the point of this particular post.
Not only did it affect me where I spent most of my time, school, but it affected things at home. Mom is a strong person, but she has dealt with far more than her share of terrible life, but she couldn’t really handle this after everything else. She couldn’t handle one more trouble child. While we’ve all had our different struggles, I feel that my siblings and I are all far too similar sometimes. Anyway, so I did my very best to pass it all off as a phase. I perfected my fake smile, my fake ‘I’m okays’, but it followed me to college where everything else seemed to rip apart. It followed me to work when I left college after a year. The worries, the negative thoughts, the worthlessness building…
Finally at a doctor’s appointment I mentioned that I’d been feeling down followed by this sampling of questions: how long have you been feeling like this, do you think about killing yourself, did this start after a death or something at school or work, do you cut or otherwise hurt yourself, et cetera… My responses: not very long, no, I don’t think so, no… In truth: at least since I was 10, all the time, everything affects it, sometimes… The doctor prescribed some low dose anti-depressant and suggested I seek further, more professional help. I took the pills for 3 days and I never sought further help. I figured if I didn’t seek it after one of the most important people to me told me to, I wasn’t going to because the doctor said to. As for the pills, I stopped taking them because my personality changed dramatically in those 3 days and it scared Mom. For me, and I’ve never told her or anyone this, it was peace. I felt nothing. I could have simply faded away without a care or thought for how everyone else would feel. (I should note that this was just my experience with whatever brand this was. I am not trying to discourage the use of antidepressants or medications. They could actually be a great help if they’re the right ones. I just wouldn’t know.)
That’s one reason why I’m still breathing right now. Mom couldn’t handle it. I think in time most of my immediate family would heal, but I don’t know about Mom. Outside of that, I am not sure my disappearing from the earth would make much difference. There are a few friends that might hurt for a while, but I know they’d heal in time and then I’d fade away to a small blip of their memories. For some, I know I already don’t exist anymore. There’s one that kills me every moment to know I don’t exist to them anymore. It’s silly and stupid, but it matters more than I ever thought I’d admit ‘out loud’.
So yes, I fight every day to stay alive. Most people don’t realize it or pretend they don’t know. I do try my best to hide it, I do. I try to be happy. I try to find and surround myself with people and things to help me hold on. In high school, I picked television shows that I watched to stick around for. I didn’t want to miss anything. In time those ended and then I had to find new things. There was the chemistry club at ISU and the few friends I made there, but then I left after a year so those faded. There wasn’t much keeping me alive while at Walmart, certainly not most of the people I worked with, too much competition that I didn’t even care about. I just wanted to fit in. That’s one of the things I have always wanted. I wanted some place, some group of people I fit in without having to work so hard at it.
2011 was a good year. I left Walmart right as the new NASCAR season was starting. Bobby Labonte was starting with another team, so it was like a fresh start for both of us. I joined in to the chats set up by the team and we all connected and it felt good. For some reason, the team took my mom and me to the Chicagoland race that year and I replay the weekend in my head often when I start to think about how things have fallen apart since then. Aside from that, I went back to school, pursuing something I wasn’t too sure about, but I have my reasons. I mean in the end it’s not want I want really at all, but that’s another story.
As I hinted at before, things starting falling apart in the chat when AJ Allmendinger came in to replace Bobby. Some things were said, some from me included. I’m not proud of that. Bridges were starting to burn again and I have struggled to try to put out the fires. School wasn’t what I wanted and so I had really begun to tear myself apart again. I started doubting everything I had done wondering what I had done. I’m still doing that and not just with respect to the team and school, but just with life in general.
The end of 2012, 2013, and the start of 2014 was an especially trying time, but that’s not my story.
I went to Florida fall of 2014. It was an amazing experience, but it was also extremely hard. I loved being out on my own. It allowed me a chance to put what I’d learn into play. Some things happened at home while I was there, including my brother losing one of his friends, my stepdad’s dad died, and something or other happened with my father. All I could think about was, here I am 1200 or so miles away and there’s nothing I can do. Why am I here, I should be at home. They need me, but instead I went off and left them. I abandoned them. I was torn between coming home and finding a way to stay. I wanted to stay there or I considered just staying in NC on my way back home and trying to find something there. I worried that if I went home, that would be it, the end, all my dreams turning to dust… I came home. They needed me.
In regards to my brother’s friend: I feel guilty every day that I’m here and he’s not. I wonder that if maybe I had just done it, maybe he’d be here; maybe if I had been home instead of gallivanting in Florida if he would still be here. Is there something I could have done? Is there something I could have done for my nephew’s friend? I don’t know. I don’t know.
2016, a sample of my brain: I’m 26. What am I doing here? What is my purpose, do I have one? Brandy and Steve are having baby 3, so three for each of my older siblings. I suppose I need to have at least 3 as well? I’m not dating, so there’s no guarantee on ever getting married or having kids at all at this point? I’m still living at home. Am I ever getting out of here? I have no plan. What am I planning to do after my field inspection job this year? What’s going to pay my bills? Do I truly have no more potential than a retail job? Am I always to be the one everyone can come to share their troubles, but I cannot share mine in return? Am I always to be the one people can decide to tell me anything, because she’s not worth more than telling things to? Do I always have to be the one who cares? Do I always have to wear this smile? Do I always have to laugh at the jokes that mean nothing to me? Do I always have to hide the aching pain in my heart that tells me I am worthless? Why am I crying here in the dark, again? Why am I picking up this blade? Why am I really taking these sleeping pills?
(Side note: There’s nothing wrong with retail, this is just from my person experience and opinion. Working retail does not mean you are less. In fact, I thank everyone that works retail even if they don’t want to. It’s a tough job and not often appreciated enough).
Current reasons for staying alive: My nephew, Zach. The baby on the way. Mom. Val. Brian. Jared. Janet. Kevin. Derek. Amanda. Kailee. Alaina. Eli. Brandy. Steve. Levi. Evey. Heidi. Rita. Hugh. Mickey. David. Rob. Cortney. Nick. Devin. Et cetera. Evey’s recital. My summer/fall job. Tomatoes. The next book(s) in several series.
So what is my point with all of this? Not every story is the same. No story, no reason is too insignificant. I’m not saying my story is any worse than any other story. This is not a competition. We all have a story. Some of the story is visible and I suspect most of the real stories are hidden. And yes, I know. I have family, a few good friends, a roof over my head, food in my mouth, and I am grateful. It is more about not believing I am worthy of all that I have, that I don’t deserve any of it. It’s been so far drilled into my head, that it is hard to escape.
So yes, reaching out is great if you can. It’s hard to overcome the stigmas that can come with asking for help. People say that you should, that they’re for you, but not everyone is truly that openhearted. They will judge you, they will label you, they will watch you… And I understand that it’s often easier not to say anything, to pretend nothing is wrong. It also makes it easier to fall under the weight of carrying it alone and possibly lead to a choice to let go.
I am saying it is alright to feel like you have to escape. I am saying it is normal to feel worthless. It is okay to have doubts about anything, life, yourself, but don't let it consume you. Let it out. Write. Paint. Dance. Play an instrument. Sing. Build something. Talk about it. Scream. Do something; don't hold it in.
Know it is alright to feel hope, to believe in yourself even if you don’t want to, even if you don’t feel or think you deserve it. It is okay to let yourself be loved. There is always someone who loves you. There are those that don’t, but that is alright. They are not people you need to worry about. If anything, feel sorry for them, because you are awesome no matter what they may say.
There is always something, someone to stay alive for, yourself included. Find those reasons, no matter how silly you might think they are. It’s hard, I know. Someone loves you; I love you. If you read this and you feel like you have no other options than to end it all, please reach out to someone, anyone. At the very least give yourself one more second, one more minute, an hour, a day, a year, and really think it over. If you don’t feel like you have anyone that would understand, if you think everyone will judge you, or if you just want to vent contact me or even an anonymous helpline. Find someone. You don’t have to go through it alone. You are not alone. No matter your story, no matter your reasons there is always hope. It doesn’t always seem like it, but there is. You just have to choose to fight for it, please fight for it.
If you suspect someone is going to hurt themselves or needs helps, please help them if you can. Tell someone. There’s a chance you’ll make the person angry, but there’s also a better chance that they’ll still be alive. Alive and angry is better than dead. Try not to take it too personally.
If you are a survivor of someone taking their own life, talk about it. Reach out to someone in a similar situation. It’s okay to feel guilty, but it is not your fault. It may take a while to accept, but you have to or it will swallow you whole, trust me. If you fall under the trap of feeling guilty about not having done something, you might not escape. Let it out.
If you are a ‘survivor’ of trying to take your own life, talk about it, write about it, survive it. Find a way to take that experience and turn it into something positive. Try not fall under the trap of having failed so there’s one more thing to add to your list of reasons to try again. Live. Live. Live.
P.S. I am not an expert here. I’m just trying to share my own thoughts. Okay, maybe I feel I let some people down in my life so I’m trying to make up for it. Selfish of me I know. I left a few thoughts out because I am not sure some would think they’re in the positive realm.
Anyway, I do love you, whoever you are and I am here if you need someone to talk to or vent to.
Stay alive. Don’t just look alive, be alive. Live.
http://www.suicide.org/suicide-hotlines.html
1(574)-254-7473
A National Sexual Assault Hotline
USA
1-800-273-TALK and 1-800-SUICIDE
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, a 24/7 hotline for callers in the United States, www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org
USA
1-800-799-4TTY (4889)
TTY/TDD services at the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
USA
1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929)
National Runaway Switchboard, hotline and live chat for runaway, homeless, and at-risk youth
USA
800-273-TALK
US Veterans Crisis Hotline
USA
veteranscrisisline.net
US Veterans Online chat and information
Worldwide
1-800-4-U-TREVOR
An American hotline aimed principally at LGBT teenagers, run by The Trevor Project
USA
1-866-SPEAK-UP
American anonymous youth violence reporting hotline created by The Center to Prevent Youth Violence
USA
sociedadeamigosdavida.org.br
Amigos da Vida (Brazil)
Brazil
The Lowdown
A New Zealand project aimed at young New Zealanders suffering from Depression
New Zealand
1-800-448-3000
The Boys Town National HotlineSM is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, and is staffed by specially trained Boys Town counselors.
USA
741-741
A free, 24/7 SMS Hotline providing emotional support for those in crisis provided by Crisis Text Line.
USA
13 11 14
Lifeline offers 24/7 crisis support and suicide prevention services by phone.
Australia