I have doing some thinking, again. Highly dangerous, I know. I realize I have done this before, so this will likely just seem like a repeated message, but I feel like writing it out anyway. Because if I don’t, I’ll likely do other things and that probably would not be good.
Last night, I wrote that it may be time to break the invisible contract and a friend said that I should not burn any bridges until I am sure. The problem is, the person/group on the other side of the bridge usually starts burning long before I do or should. I’m so busy trying to rebuild as it burns that I am too tired to build new bridges to more worthwhile places/people. The more I rebuild, the more I begin to doubt myself and wonder why I cannot rebuild the bridge stronger and wonder why I need to rebuild it in the first place.
Last night, I also realized that this weekend is the Coca-Cola 600 race. It’s been two years since I started copying and pasting the race chats. In case some of you haven’t put things together, this is the invisible contract. While the full invisible contract did not take hold until after the whole Chicagoland thing, this is when it truly started to form. I know that I cannot really explain exactly what I am thinking/feeling, I think you can get the general idea. It’s not that I don’t want to do it, I just am not sure I should still be. I can never make up for the experience the team gave me. I will never forget it, trust me on that. I replay that weekend every moment I can. At this point, I just don’t know why I am still copying and pasting. I think partially because I don’t want the team to think I used them. Partially because it does (or did) let me keep that connection with team alive. Partially because I just like to and I feel useful. Partially because it’s a reminder of what was. The truth is that it’s not what it was. None of it makes any sense anymore.
Somewhere I screwed up and that bridge started burning. I cannot make it stop burning. While it doesn’t seem to be burning with large flames, the bridge is dwindling. And while the other side says we’re still here, I know it’s a trick to see how close to the edge, how far across I’ll go, as the bridge disintegrates and disappears. And yet I still continue to try to cross it.
So I’m wondering if it is time to head back and let this bridge go, even though I am highly resisting it. This connection has taught me a lot and perhaps it’s time to take the advice and move on. I think part of me would always stay on that bridge until the bitter end. This burning bridge just makes me wonder if other bridges are worth my time to start building. Are they just going to end up like this one? Just makes me think about everything they have said or that others have said to me and how I have started to doubt. Makes me think it was wrong to start believing in myself. I should have stuck with my way of thinking before. At least, I have narrowed my list of teams I’d like to work for someday, or well crossed one of the list. I should just throw the list out. It’s impossible anyway so why bother at all…
Last night, I also realized that this weekend is the Coca-Cola 600 race. It’s been two years since I started copying and pasting the race chats. In case some of you haven’t put things together, this is the invisible contract. While the full invisible contract did not take hold until after the whole Chicagoland thing, this is when it truly started to form. I know that I cannot really explain exactly what I am thinking/feeling, I think you can get the general idea. It’s not that I don’t want to do it, I just am not sure I should still be. I can never make up for the experience the team gave me. I will never forget it, trust me on that. I replay that weekend every moment I can. At this point, I just don’t know why I am still copying and pasting. I think partially because I don’t want the team to think I used them. Partially because it does (or did) let me keep that connection with team alive. Partially because I just like to and I feel useful. Partially because it’s a reminder of what was. The truth is that it’s not what it was. None of it makes any sense anymore.
Somewhere I screwed up and that bridge started burning. I cannot make it stop burning. While it doesn’t seem to be burning with large flames, the bridge is dwindling. And while the other side says we’re still here, I know it’s a trick to see how close to the edge, how far across I’ll go, as the bridge disintegrates and disappears. And yet I still continue to try to cross it.
So I’m wondering if it is time to head back and let this bridge go, even though I am highly resisting it. This connection has taught me a lot and perhaps it’s time to take the advice and move on. I think part of me would always stay on that bridge until the bitter end. This burning bridge just makes me wonder if other bridges are worth my time to start building. Are they just going to end up like this one? Just makes me think about everything they have said or that others have said to me and how I have started to doubt. Makes me think it was wrong to start believing in myself. I should have stuck with my way of thinking before. At least, I have narrowed my list of teams I’d like to work for someday, or well crossed one of the list. I should just throw the list out. It’s impossible anyway so why bother at all…