In case you hadn't noticed, I'm not fond of putting blame on someone that really has no reason to be blamed. I know some think it's fun to joke around like this, but I do not find it fun. I understand joking, but there must be a stop point somewhere. It's like I know some of you continue to jokingly blame me for Bobby's poor finish at Chicagoland. When to be quite truthful, not a day has gone by that I don't blame myself for it. It does not help that everyone has been quick to remind me.
I've thought about not joining in the chat during the race anymore, but the little pride I have left in myself makes me continue. Today was another test of how much teasing a person can take and I am tired of being blamed, when in my head I know I did nothing wrong. To be honest I would love to have Todd's job, but I know that there's a lot of work behind the mask I think he wears sometimes. Chicagoland changed me. It really did. And as much as I see now, I understand that I do not have a place there. This was the other reason for me thinking about giving up the chat. I have no future there. I need to pull myself out of that idea before I go crazy. I have also come to the conclusion that I have no idea why I went back to school and why I'm majoring in web graphic design. I made a hasty decision before I let myself have time to think. It was a foolish thing to do. I do not have a future in that field, let alone in the racing field with it. I'm a crazy, irrational person. Most of you think my going to that race was awesome, which it was, but it was also saddening. It hurts to realize I have no future where I want it to be. It hurts having dreams crushed with one blow and I have no one to blame but myself. In my head, I knew it would be dangerous to go to the race to watch hopes and dreams disappear. I knew before I went that this would happen. I knew I would realize that everything was for nothing. I'm not sure what I was hoping would happen. In my heart, I had hoped I'd learn something great, that I'd learn what my future might hold. The only thing I learned was despair and heart-break. So therefore, I will not be saying as much in the chats and is one reason I decided not to sign up for the pit master VIP thing. The other is that I got to have a day like that, well two, but anyway I don't want to take that from anyone else. It wouldn't be fair. I wish everyone could get the chance to do that. It was an amazing experience and I will never forget it. It was awesome to meet everyone and just have fun. But now, it's time to lock away the memories and realize the truth that it will never happen again, as much as I want it to, it's not going to happen.