I love all the friends I have made through the chat, through the facebook pages, and through twitter. I enjoy talking with my friends and checking in with what’s going on in their lives. I do try not to pry into things that I have no business in and I try to avoid controversy as best I can. Even with as many friends as I have, there are times when I feel utterly alone. Actually I feel that way most of the time which is why I love the chat room so much. That goes for whether I’m in there by myself during the week or during the race. I quite enjoyed sitting in the chat room alone throughout the week. It gave me a place to really think and clear my head even though I was only talking to myself. I have stopped, for the most part, going in there throughout the week. I realized that it was just as it appears, I have no one to talk to and I know it was probably just annoying Todd, Gib, or whomever else that gets the chat log now.
I have become quite discouraged about my future. There are times when I can see myself on my own, happy, and ready to take on the world. Those times are very rare. I know you hear this stuff from me a lot and I totally understand if you’ve actually stopped reading a long time ago. I just don’t know where I go from here. Sure I have lots of ideas that I could attempt, but I never feel that I am good enough for them or that I would ever really have the energy to pursue them. I mean sure I have a 4.0 right now, but I feel as though I haven’t really learned enough to get me an actual job or even to freelance my way through life. I have some seriously preposterous goals that I would love to someday meet, but at the moment I have no idea how to really even begin to start to reach them.
Alright, time to move on to the race coming up this weekend. Yes, the first race of the Chase. It’s hard to believe that it has already been a year since my life was flipped upside down. Honestly I haven’t been able to really stop thinking about the feeling of being in the garage and pit area that entire time and it has only gotten worse the closer we get to this weekend. I have never wanted to go to a race as badly as I want to go this weekend. And this is ridiculous for a few reasons. One, I am not really the biggest fan of the Chicagoland track. It’s a little on the boring side, but perhaps that’s because Bobby hasn’t had the greatest of luck here, well ever. Second of all, it’s hard to believe that I would want to go to any race more than I want to go back to Daytona. And thirdly, why I even thought for a moment I would get to go back again was really bad judgment and stupid. I just keep thinking about if I could only go to one race this weekend, I would pick the Nationwide race. Why you may ask, or not I really have no idea. Anyway, one I just don’t know that I could watch the team from the other side of the track. I’m pretty sure I would just be sitting there remembering last year and really bumming myself out wondering what if. And secondly, I’m pretty sure I have to have a ticket to the NNS race in order to attend the autograph session both Bobby and Kasey are having on Saturday. So needless to say I am not happy about this weekend at all. I am trying desperately not to think about it, but I cannot seem to escape it. There are very few days I remember 99% of the details and that weekend is one of them. From the hauler parade, to Bobby’s autograph session, to getting a tour conducted by David, to almost backing into Kasey, to the pouring rain, to meeting the pit crew, to having the sponsor people asking Bobby and David very, very easy questions, to Bobby’s interview that I actually witnessed but had no idea what he said until I got home, to eating lunch with Jodi and talking about her dog, to the children who had no idea what any of the Little Debbie treats tasted like(*facepalm*), to the fact we missed driver intros(which I am really not happy about), to sitting in the very cold motor coach, to the random chat conversation, to my phone dying several times, to going back to the track the next day knowing there would not be as many people(I was a bit too happy about that), to Mike saying “today’s your day”(no idea what that really meant, but…), to watching the start of the race, to fist bumping Kulak, to Kulak giving me a lugnut, to being devastated when Bobby went behind the wall, to sitting on the pit box(which it was much colder up there than I imagined), to silently crying as I watched Bobby go down lap after lap after lap (thank goodness for the samples of Kleenex Cool Touch tissues sitting around. And no offense but cool touch, really?), to wishing I had gotten down before the race was over, to Bobby coming back out on the track, to Tony Stewart winning the first race of the Chase. Oh and so many, many more details. They are forever stuck in my head playing on repeat.
And before I finish up here, I just want to take the time to remember all the lives that were lost on September 11, 2001. It was a very sad and dark day in American history and I will never forget that day either. I remember that day just as well as I remember that race. I remember where I was, who I was with, how the rest of the day went by in complete silence. I pray for the victims’ families as well as for the deployed troops and the rest of the veterans of this country for the service. Freedom is not free and I want to thank them for their service and for those who paid the ultimate price. I send prayers to their families as well. I also pray for all of the United States. May we never forget that day and live in remembrance and strive to be as best we can. Together we can accomplish more than we can apart. Even the smallest things can make the biggest differences. One person could do one thing to make a change in their community, imagine what we could do together; we could change the world. So I challenge you all to do something, anything today in the memory of September 11, 2001. Do not let those who lost their lives to die in vain. We must never forget and may God bless America.
Okay, I think I’ve probably gone on long enough for now. I know I can get carried away sometimes and I apologize once more for that. I will try not to mope too much the rest of this week and this weekend, but I cannot really make any promises. I hope you understand what’s going on in my head a little better now, if you were wondering.